Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.