A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
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another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Yep.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
❤️❤️❤️
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus