Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.