A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Erm…
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
