Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

synchronized noseblowing

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.