Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

this article brought to you by lions

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

*lost my marbles*

Weighs myself

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?