A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
About to throw up
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.