A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.