A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
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My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Am I having a stroke?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.