Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?