A family that plays together cheats.
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If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Lmfaoooooo
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
new record!
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Not today.. 😂
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?