A family that plays together cheats.
You Might Also Like
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
so weird how every mom was born today
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
