*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
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[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night