*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
You Might Also Like
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…