Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

😂

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.