Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.