Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them