A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I feel seen
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