A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
