Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.