A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
You Might Also Like
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car