a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
PLEASE READ
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Hmmmmmmm….
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
