a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
