a fate I wish upon no one
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I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
i choose….tongue
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”