a fate I wish upon no one
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal