A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
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Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog