A faux pas at a dinner welcoming alien visitors: an egg dish is served to the visitors, not knowing they’re oviparous.
“No offense was intended, I’m sure, but you have to understand: us eating eggs would be like…would be like you consuming another mammal.”
“…right.”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
channeling her this year
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My what?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
