A faux pas at a dinner welcoming alien visitors: an egg dish is served to the visitors, not knowing they’re oviparous.
“No offense was intended, I’m sure, but you have to understand: us eating eggs would be like…would be like you consuming another mammal.”
“…right.”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
first you must answer his riddles
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
peep davidson
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
