“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
#dalle2
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.