A fax machine is just a surprise printer.

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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.


Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.


“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”


before stairs there’d be someone on the second floor and people would ask “how’d you get up there” and they’d be like “i don’t know”


This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.


Work meeting
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!

Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me


“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter


The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn


What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school