@BatmanOffDuty

A fax machine is just a surprise printer.

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@treydayway

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

@Dawn_M_

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

@david8hughes

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

@WigCannon

before stairs there’d be someone on the second floor and people would ask “how’d you get up there” and they’d be like “i don’t know”

@mack44_d

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

@davidkenny100

Work meeting
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!

Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me

@kellyoxford

“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter

@a_simpl_man

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

@prufrockluvsong

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school