Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone