A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else