A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
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Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
We cut our bangs at dawn.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Buying a well is money well spent.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”![]()
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny