A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
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So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to