A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
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Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.