Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

😅😅😅

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left