a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
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ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Banking tips
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
never stops being funny
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
So we got a goldfish…
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.