a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
dictator is short for richard potato
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
What do you hear?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
in 3 months
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?