A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
