A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
