A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
You Might Also Like
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Solving a traffic jam
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
All right then, keep your secrets
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’