A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
smh
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I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
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Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag