Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.