Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.