A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
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Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”