@RichNeville

A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.

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@Karate_Horse

me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

@amethystxmatt

turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left

@brandynwiththey

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

@dugglebutt

“You should marry your best friend”
is good advice, but I think my best friend’s wife would be pretty upset

@PhilJamesson

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

@platinum2000

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

@InternetHippo

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

@Not_From_Troy

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

@AaronFullerton

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.