*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE