*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.