Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.