Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?