Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*