Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

Selfie

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.