Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”