Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

every single time

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

Hmm, not sure about this change

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.