Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW