A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
The future is now.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!