a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
