a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Who does Amazon think I am?
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
