Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?