A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
You Might Also Like
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!