A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.