Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

I gave up going to work for lent.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room