A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
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Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
get you a girl who
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
rip to my favourite tweet
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?