A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
