A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
You Might Also Like
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”