Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

Born to be mild.

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.