A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
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That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Story of my life…..
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*