A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
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“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*