A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
