A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Krampus.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I ain’t wearing no wire
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
this is so top tier i cant
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
