A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
