Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”